So when I sit down to write about the worst films of the year – I've changed my tact. It’s not a true worst list on some levels…it’s more of a misses of 2012. These are titles that just didn't connect with me for whatever reason. They may have connected with someone, somewhere…but if they did…I don’t know how…so let’s look at some of the misses of 2012. These are the worst 12 in my mind of 12.
12. The Woman in Black
Daniel Radcliffe stars in this horror/thriller that is just plain boring. I was never scared, amused or enthralled at all. Just wanted to get it over with and that’s not a good thing when it comes to a film.
11. Savages
The first of a couple titles that conflict me this year. I love the risks that Oliver Stone takes in film-making but when they miss…they really miss. Savages felt like an over the top and extremely gratuitous film that used shock and some good actors to try to get ahead. Instead it was only the gratuitous things that stuck with me.
I have to admit to being a real fan of even marginal Farrelly Brothers . That’s why The effort of The Three Stooges was such a let down. Sure it has some fun moments in it, but they are fleeting and find a way to annoy as much as fill with laughter. But this is nowhere near the worst film of the year…when I get to that one I may be begging for Moe to poke my eyes out.
9. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Did we really need a sequel here? Really?
8. John Carter
Big, bold and beautiful, John Carter forgot one thing, it needed to be interesting.7. Sparkle
Ok, I know this was Whitney Houston’s last performance and I should be nice…fact is it was not a good way to go out. A film that features a really good singer like Jordin Sparks but doesn't let her belt it out until the last 15-20 minutes. And when one of your most impactful dramatic sequences is shot in slow motion and elicits laughter instead of tension or tears…that’s not a good thing.
6. Alex Cross
I wanted to like Alex Cross, I wanted to like Tyler Perry in this role, I wanted a lot of things I didn't get here…argh.
5. What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Comedies are always a bit of a crap shoot but one of the ways we try to beat something that is put together badly…get a lot of names in the cast. This film includes Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Chace Crawford, Brooklyn Decker, Anna Kendrick PLUS Dennis Quaid and Chris Rock among others. But all those actors can’t save the comedy that lacks the funny.
4. Fun Size
This is half here because it lacks a lot of the fun that even the title wants us to believe we will have. But more so this film hits my list as the one with the WORST marketing campaigns of the year. Advertised during shows that 8 year olds frequently watch for a film that is a SOLID PG-13 was just a mistake. And when the movie tries to be one part Adventures in Babysittingand one part Superbad…it ends up being a mess of king size proportions.3. Cosmopolis
Director David Cronenberg gives us Robert Pattinson riding around in a limo for 90 odd minutes as characters come and go. And yes – one of the first times I've seen a prostate exam in a limo in a film that I can remember. I've liked Cronenberg’s work in the past, most times, and have never been a huge fan of Pattinson. While some critics fawned over this film, I felt like it was me, getting a prostate exam in the theater.
2. Project X
Ok, so this should be the biggest miss I saw in theaters this year. Really it should. Yet another film trying to capture the magic of the teen partying, Project X just falls flat. It was all there. An unknown cast, a soundtrack that was as hip as they could make it and yet someone forgot to tell them that a comedy needs humor! Ahh what a waste of time watching this one for me, they should have sent me vodka with this one, it may have helped me get into the partying mood.
1. Piranha 3DD
1. Piranha 3DD
It’s not really fair to put this film in the company of a number that tried real hard and just missed. Piranha 3DD was bad from the get go, but as a whole, I think it was ok with that. Imagine this…killer piranha make their way into a highly chlorinated water park. The water park is run by a man (David Koechner) who brings in strippers as lifeguards. And the best part of this film? David Hasselhoff (as himself) comes to the park to be the honorary lifeguard at the grand opening. Even sitting up in the lifeguard chair as chaos erupts. Throw in a number of fun character actors and you've got a complete cast of crazies for this crazy film. Now that said it does get gory and disgusting from time to time and that helps to do it in. You could be praying for a piranha to gnaw on you before this movie ends!
That's just 12 that I think missed the mark. I don't relish writing this piece every year because on virtually each one of these films, there are some very talented folks that tried to make something special and succeed. Fact is, they didn't -- at least in my mind...and my job is to let you guys know. NOW...you may want to have a bad movie party as well and search these titles out....and if you're looking for a bad movie party hit, Piranha 3DD is probably it.
Thanks for a great 2012.
2013 will bring more good, bad, and truly different.
Save Me A Seat!
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